mark mclaughlin
FOUR-LETTER WORD BEGINNING WITH `F'
Mark McLaughlin's fiction, nonfiction and poetry have appeared in hundreds of magazines, newspapers, websites, and anthologies, including Galaxy, Black Gate, Cemetery Dance, Midnight Premiere, Dark Arts, In Laymon's Terms, and two volumes each of The Best of the Rest, The Best of HorrorFind, and The Year's Best Horror Stories (DAW Books).
McLaughlin's latest book is the story collection, Raising Demons For Fun and Profit, published by Sam's Dot Publishing and available at www.GenreMall.com (look in the Anthologies section). Other collections of his fiction include Motivational Shrieker, Slime After Slime, and Pickman's Motel from Delirium Books; At the Foothills of Frenzy (with co-authors Shane Ryan Staley and Brian Knight) from Solitude Publications; and Twisted Tales For Sick Puppies from Skullvines Press. GravesideTales.com is the home of his blog, Time Machine of Terror!
With collaborator Michael McCarty, he has written Monster Behind the Wheel (Delirium Books/Corrosion Press), Attack of the Two-Headed Poetry Monster (Skullvines Press), All Things Dark and Hideous (Rainfall Books, England), and Professor LaGungo's Delirious Download of Digital Deviltry and Doom (Darkside Digital). Also, he is the co-author, with Rain Graves and David Niall Wilson, of The Gossamer Eye, which won a Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in Poetry.
To find out more about McLaughlin's work, visit www.myspace.com/monsterbook, www.skullvines.com, and www.Horror-Mall.com (enter McLaughlin into the Mall's search engine).
Gazongaphobia: Or, Fear of
Juvenile Nicknames For Breasts
Welcome once again to my online literary salon of horrors, wherein we discuss how fear (the ultimate four-letter word beginning with 'F') is manifested in the cinema of the macabre. And this time around, we'll also be discussing...
Fun-bags. Bazooms. Hot-air balloons. Melons. Jugs. Angel cakes. Sweater puppies. Mastodons. Nuclear warheads. Headlights. Boobs. And... gazongas.
Some people are disturbed, offended, even appalled by these juvenile nicknames for breasts. This fear of such nicknames, or gazongaphobia, can cause great animosity between its sufferers and gazongaphiliacs -- individuals who like to address breasts in a playful fashion.
Why are gazongaphobiacs offended? Well, there's the sexist aspect: the objectification of human sexuality. But what if the owners of the parts being objectified don't mind? Does that make it allowable?
Let's answer that question with another question: Would any man be outraged if he were given a nickname that pointed him out as the owner of large genitalia? In most cases, probably not. Few men would say, "How dare you call me the Emperor of the Talliwhackers and the King of the Trouser Cobras! I am deeply offended!"
If the objectification makes the person (and their parts) feel sexier and more desirable, I don't see a problem.
Now, if the person being objectified is not feelin' the love... if it makes them feel cheap or ridiculed... then they shouldn't have to be bothered with it.
These issues come to mind when one watches The Double-D Avenger (2001), a comedy written, produced and directed by William Winckler. The movie is a quasi-burlesque spoof of superhero movies about a caped crimefighter who uses her super-bosom to confound criminals.
The movie never really becomes offensive because it's so playful, and most of the women who play the main roles used to be in old Russ Myer B-movies, like the madcap sex-comedy UP!, about the various amorous adventures of big-busted gals.
The Double-D Avenger is portrayed by Francesca "Kitten" Natividad, queen-bee of the Russ Meyer B-movie-hive. She plays a barkeeper, Chastity Knott, who is diagnosed with breast cancer. One might think the mention of so grim a topic as breast cancer would defuse this comedic endeavor. But, since this whole enterprise is pretty much centered around cleavage, it makes sense, in an oddly logical sort of way. Breast cancer is, after all, the No. 1 enemy of bosoms.
The barkeeper's doctor tells her of a rare tropical fruit, rumored to have the power to cure breast cancer. So Chastity tracks down the fruit with the help of a lovely native girl, who informs her that she must suck on the fruit to bring about a cure. In doing so, she also gains super powers. The fruit has a distinctly phallic appearance and after less than a minute of intense suckling on this curious piece of produce, Chastity is cured.
When Chastity returns to her bar, she runs afoul of an evil strip-joint owner and his three buxom henchwomen -- a pirate wench, a cave-girl and a Greek oracle. Chastity dons a blue jumpsuit (stretched to the very limits of its flexibility) and a red cape, and completes her ensemble with a mask made from a lacy red bra. She fights, she jumps, and at all times, she uses her huge gazongas in various ways to thwart the evildoers.
Leading lady "Kitten" Natividad is probably somewhere in her sixties, and some of the other women in this movie are also mature gals. They are all lively and lovely. These ladies aren't skinny little Olsen Twin wannabes: they are solidly built and truly put the bust in robust.
Considering that much of today's mass media is excessively youth-oriented, it is actually refreshing to see a movie that celebrates the sexual gusto of middle-aged and mature Americans. Our country is full of full-figured ladies past forty who enjoy sex, and they should appreciate that the Double-D Avenger is living large and strutting her stuff.
An amusing FYI: I've read the movie's novelization, written by Jerrod Balzer, and it should go down in history as the literary work with the greatest number of euphemisms for large breasts. The novel is available from the publisher, Skullvines Press, at www.skullvines.com.
Because most of the movie's zesty double-entendres about breasts are delivered by full-figured girls, the humor doesn't come across as misogynistic. It is very clear that these women are very comfortable with, and proud of, their bodies.
"Kitten" isn't the greatest actress in the world -- Meryl Streep isn't shaking in her designer pumps -- but one can tell from her lovely and genuine smile that she had the time of her life playing the Double-D Avenger, and that makes the whole movie rather charming. How many actresses in their sixties get the opportunity to play sexy superheroes?
A person might ask: Is there a market for such a movie in today's world? That's a good question. It's very burlesque... and the prevalence of porn has pretty much taken all the steam out of the playful naughtiness of burlesque. Plus, some younger viewers who think reed-thin Ashlee Simpson is the be-all and end-all of femininity might not appreciate the Junoesque charms of this film's leading ladies. But, adult viewers who enjoy retro, camp or cult movies would certainly find much to enjoy in The Double-D Avenger.
And, anyone suffering from ganzongaphobia should also watch this movie. In today's current climate of excessive political correctness, maybe we need to loosen up just a bit. Any if any Hollywood director wants to cast me as the King of the Trouser Cobras, give me a call, we'll do lunch!
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